Arachnoid Fever

How to keep spiders from crashing your pad, naturally

Spiders are out to get you. It’s true. And after they’ve made a feast of your flesh they’ll come after your friends. How can you stop their bloodthirsty quest for domination? Try stepping on them – that usually helps. Many people don’t like the inconvenience of having to wipe off their shoe so they resort to insecticide. But the last thing you want to do is spray poison in your home (unless you like human mutation). Bug sprays are bad, m’kay?

Let’s be honest, most spiders are harmless (with a few rare exceptions that are no joke). They help the ecosystem and they kill ants. Here and there I’ve been known to let a spider thrive in a corner when I see the commendable job they do of amassing corpses of ants that would otherwise be getting busy in my Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I hate ants.

But I don’t mind those thin and willowy arachnoids, it’s when they’ve got some meat to them that I panic. Panic like a girl (apologies to feminists for the bigotry). Yikes, they freak me out (thick spiders, not feminists).

Ever see one of those inexplicably calm persons that will actually pick up – and pet – a spider? I envy them, I am wired much differently. I’m not afraid of kittens though. I will bravely snuggle the hell out of a kitten.

But nothing will make me lose more sleep than unsuccessfully trying to kill a spider before losing track of him. Like when I attempt to smack a large spider on the wall, but in my awkward stance of preparation to run away, I miss it and he drops – behind the large and heavy entertainment center. Yeah… that will ruin a night.

That’s why it’s good to have a vacuum. If I do something stupid like leave a milkshake out on the counter on a summer day, a vacuum cleaner provides nearly all the ant genocide that’s needed. You may also use it to suck up any webs and spiders with it. Clear your entire home and tidy up, paying special attention to the kitchen, where pests like to hang out.

After you’ve sucked every last spider remnant away, seal any areas that spiders use to enter your home. Check out windows and doorways and find the openings that they likely use to come in from the outside. Pick up some caulk (that’s right, we’re THAT serious) and apply it to their little entry ways.

Minimizing light may also contribute to keeping spiders OUT. Since bugs are attracted to light and spiders are attracted to bugs, you have a bit of a pattern. Shut out the lights, and you won’t be bringing attention to yourself. I’ve learned to appreciate the ways of the Morlock.

If you have a yard, proper maintenance will help control the spider menace as well. Keep up with your landscaping and remove anything dead. Pay attention to your trees, shrubs and plants and keep them neatly trimmed.

Now that you’ve leveled the playing field, it’s time to take the advantage. Perhaps even a favorite of famous feminist (a noble ideology) icon Peppermint Patty is the all-natural repellent known as “Peppermint Oil”. It has been relied on for years to get rid of insects and even mice. And unlike poisonous spray, it’s actually good for human health. It’s believed to soothe indigestion, an upset stomach and even headaches. It has even been used successfully to rid lice from the heads of grubby kids!

How much would YOU pay for a miracle potion like Peppermint Oil? What if I told you it could be made at home – cheaply (and with nowhere near the danger of making meth at home)? Well, you can. And here’s how (!):

Mix a teaspoon of dish detergent in with a quart of water in a spray bottle. Add twenty-five to thirty drops of organic peppermint oil. You’ve identified the problem and at-risk areas, go to town and spray them down, inside and out. For severe areas, like where the queen is alleged to lay her eggs in an act of unholy birthing, apply peppermint oil directly to the surface.

Other formulas that perform similarly are made identically – just substitute tea tree or eucalyptus oil. They all smell pretty good, much better than that of the carnage left behind by unchallenged spiders. No longer shall we bow to the whims of our insectoid overlords, no longer shall we toil in the salt mines, we will stand tall like brave little girls and spray our worries away!